Imagine my surprise when I woke up, only to discover that life is not a bed of roses. Life is more like a messy teenager who spends the night, steals all the covers and throws them on the floor when she gets too hot.

At least, that is what my life is like. Just when I think I’ve got everything figured out and think it’s smooth sailing ahead, suddenly a tempest breaks, the sails collapse and I am dead in the water, overcome by the enormity of the waves.

Okay. I realize in retrospect that the description seems a little overdone. It’s not all doom and gloom from where I sit, but sometimes life is hard.

We all have those moments when we feel like we are down and getting kicked in the teeth. Who among us has not felt overcome by the enormity of life?

And for me the question is, how do we pick ourselves up and carry on? Where does the patience to persevere through life’s trials come from, and how do we tap into that when we have reached our last nerve?

I remember standing in line at a “fast” food restaurant back when my children were small. I was very pregnant. And by that, I mean I was as large as a house. Holding a crying toddler on one hip, taking orders from my teen-aged kids on either side, and balancing as another crying child tugged on my leg, I prayed for patience. Impatient people glared all around me, not only because of the swirl of noise encompassing me, but also because of the delay, as grim-faced cashiers seemed to take extra long to prepare food, and the orders seemed extra complicated.

It was in that instant of chaos, that I had an epiphany.

We do not magically receive patience. It is in those moments of utter pandemonium, deep depression, or sheer desperation that we have a choice. We can choose to respond to our circumstances with criticism, anger and outrage, or we can choose patience.

This applies to myriad life circumstances, not just standing in line, surrounded by screaming children. Frustration happens every day. Coworkers can be annoying (except, of course, my own coworkers, who exhibit unusual patience with my idiosyncrasies). Traffic lights, bad drivers, and icy roads can irritate. In any given day, most of us are faced with a litany of challenges to our peace of mind.

It is in these moments, when we are tempted to be least patient, that our request for patience is actually answered. We are patient because we choose to be. We endure because we choose to continue putting one foot ahead of the other. We persevere through trials because that is what we choose to do.

It is not easy to choose patience, but it is still a decision you can make consciously. When faced with those things that cause you to grind your teeth, try taking a deep breath. You don’t have to get all ‘Zen’, as I do, but you can breathe deeply. And just for a moment, try to see things differently.

Those kids aren’t screaming just to annoy you. Unless they are, in which case, they are still screaming and you can still practice patience. Your coworker isn’t chewing ice just to be irritating, maybe she feels tense and chewing ice helps her feel less stressed. The traffic didn’t change deliberately to make you late.

None of what’s happening around you has anything to do with you. And when you accept that things happen regardless of your peace of mind, you can choose to be patient.

We can all be patient. We can all persevere. We can all endure. What it takes is a decision, followed by one step.

One step at a time, we will all get through to the end.

Namaste, friends

The New Year is upon us, replete with promises that we will try harder, do better, be more this and less that. How often do we each face the fresh new calendar and promise ourselves that this year will be different?

I know I’ve made my share of resolutions in the past. I usually resolve to lose weight, to get up earlier, to be nicer, to stop swearing, save more money, give more to others…

The list goes on and on. The first week of the New Year usually finds me sleep deprived and hungry, swearing like a sailor and exhausted from the effort of trying to remember everything that I promised myself I would do.

This year, however, will be different.

I am not resolving to be more or less of anything for the entire year. Instead, I am choosing in each moment to be the person that I want to be. As I walk through my day, I will examine my thoughts, words and actions and I will ask myself, “Is this who I want to be?”

If the answer is no, then I hope to stop midstream and change course. It is never too late to change, and now is the perfect moment to be exactly what you’d like to be.

This, of course, is easier said than done. This weekend, I got a trial run when I drove the kids to Park City for a movie and some shopping. First of all, there were about a million people in Park City for Olympic trials. But, I wasn’t going to let a little California traffic ruin my Zen mood. I don’t know how they learn to drive in California, but after being cut off half a dozen times, I silently blessed each driver, hoping their day was brighter after nearly killing me.

Then, at the movie theater, the guy selling tickets said, “There is no showing of  “The Hobbit” at 1 p.m. The internet was wrong.”

Fortunately, I didn’t have to open up a can of crazy on him, because the people in line ahead of me did. I stood by serenely, watching the tourists go bananas. Coincidentally, they decided to show “The Hobbit” at 1 p.m.

I wasn’t fazed when I chose the slowest popcorn line, nor was I perturbed when the clerk dropped my giant cup of diet coke on the floor. When the popcorn burned, because the kid was cleaning up the diet coke, the guy behind me muttered, “I’m not eating burned popcorn.”

I peacefully replied, “I like burned popcorn.”

Surprised he said, “Really? You like that?”

“No”, I answered from my happy place, “I just tell myself I do, so I won’t hate it.”

He looked at me as though I were some crazy hippy chick. As if.

All was well until the car ride home. And then, after an hour in the car, two hours in the theater, and a ride back to Wyoming, my kids opened up a can of crazy on me. They started poking, prodding, arguing, whining, and making the trip as miserable as possible.

And the drivers tailgating the entire way did not help my irritation.

I tried talking nicely. I tried distracting them with conversation.

Me: “Wasn’t that a great movie?”

Gunnar (with his headphones turned up all the way): “WHAT?!”

Lexi (jabbing him in the ribs): “Be in the present Gunnar. Mom isn’t going to keep repeating herself.”

Gunnar (louder): “WHAT??!!”

Lexi (yelling): “I SAID, BE IN THE PRESENT. We aren’t going to keep going to the past just because you aren’t listening.”

Gunnar: “WHAT?”

And so it continued for an hour. By the time we reached Evanston, my Zen was gone, my irritation had peaked and my jaw was clenched tight with the effort of not screaming like an insane woman.

Life can be trying. Most days, especially during Christmas vacation, we are challenged from all sides.

We don’t have to resolve to be better parents, to stop yelling, or even to lose weight. We don’t have to commit for a whole year. It just takes a decision in the moment to have things be different. And in some moments, that might take a little longer.

The good news is we always get a chance to start again. We don’t have to wait for a new year, a new week or a new day. We can start today, being the person we want to be.

So, when the kids are yelling, the dogs are barking and the fudge is calling your name, take just a moment to breathe deeply. Pause. Wait. And then be the person you really want to be.

Happy New Year and Namaste, Friends

It’s easy to be optimistic when life runs smoothly.  When things flow, everything seems to work together. Stressors come along, but you handle them calmly. Problems arise, but you work through them. Conflicts seem to dissipate fairly, when life is in the flow.

But what about when everything falls apart? How do you handle your life then? The philosophical answer is that you remain in the moment, unperturbed. You remember to breathe deeply and calmly. You focus on only the things you can change in the moment. The spiritual answer: you ask God for strength. You focus on God as the source of your comfort, and of all things in your life. On a physical level, when things around you fall apart, you maintain your disciplined schedule of rising early, studying and meditating, exercising, strict eating. You avoid those foods that are known to increase your anxiety, and you eschew alcohol.

All of those answers exist in an ideal world. But what about in real life, when things fall apart? What about when you can’t make it through the day without a glass of wine or two, and before bedtime you realize the bottle is empty again? What about when you lose your job? Even though it was a stressful job that didn’t pay nearly enough, and you never felt acknowledged for your work, it was still a job. It still gave some purpose to your day.  What about when someone you love leaves you? Although you fought a lot, and were getting tired of them anyway, you still miss the idea of being in a relationship.

When things fall apart in real life, what does a normal person do? We aren’t all spiritual gurus or disciplined yogis, or fit athletes, able to roll with the punches, no matter the circumstance. In real life, real people handle stress in a myriad of ways. When life caves in all around you, there are some things you can do, that don’t require you to be enormously disciplined, that will help shore up the walls of your sanity.

When things fall apart, the first step is to ask for help. You don’t have to ask anyone specifically. The Universe will hear your request, whether it is out loud or just in your heart. Ask for help and believe that it is on its way. When you ask the universe for help, remember to release the form it takes. When help comes your way, be sure to take advantage of it, rather than reject it based on looks alone. Just because your help doesn’t come packaged the way you’d expected, don’t dismiss it out of hand.

After asking for help, it is important to remember to breath. Often when you are in the midst of mind numbing crisis, one of the things you forget to do is breathe. Of course, you are breathing. It’s an automatic function. But during crisis or panic mode, the breathing often becomes rapid and shallow. You forget to breathe deeply, and you neglect a full exhale. Breathing properly is an extremely important part of healing. Breathe in deeply, fully oxygenating your blood, filling your lungs to capacity. Hold it for a moment, and then breathe out fully, cleansing your lungs and your body of stale air. A few deep breaths will help clear and calm your mind, and will release some of the stress you’ve been carrying.

The main thing to keep in mind when things fall apart is this: everything always changes. Regardless of the situation you are in now, this too shall pass. Everything is in a constant state of change. The good times will pass into hard times. The hard times will flow into good times. The cycle will continue throughout your life. So even when things fall apart, the best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that things will come together, and they will fall apart again.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in life is to go with the flow. I know it sounds like a hippy mantra, something that a peacenik might mumble under his breath, as he blows a gray/blue stream of smoke from chapped lips, while raising a weathered hand in a peace sign. “Hey man, go with the flow.”

My lesson of learning to go with the flow began when I was a bit younger and staunchly rigid in my thinking. There were no hippy days for my, but there was plenty of time to learn lessons. I'll admit to being something of a control freak. It could even be a mild case of OCD, as some of my children suggest. Things like arranging my M&M's by color before eating them. And hanging my shirts by color, then by sleeve length in my closet. It's not so much that I'm controlling. I just like things to be orderly.

During a time in my life, I had a mentor whose job was to teach me to be a self-sufficient parent, who could support six children by myself. And she knew my story, my insecurities, my challenges, all the intimate details of life that I'm not comfortable sharing with just anyone. And then she retired. Before I was anywhere near self-sufficient. And the project introduced me to my new mentor, Beth Rosen. A beautiful, young woman shining with energy. She literally glowed like an angel. I took an immediate disliking to her. How could such a young, beautiful creature possibly offer any insight into my complex life, I wondered. Well, over the course of a couple of years, I learned how wrong I was.

Not only was Beth beautiful, and insightful, but she was very kind and patient, gently working with me, until I began to trust her. And one day, she quoted from a book she was reading, as I was trying to figure out the course of my life. She told me that it is easier to float downstream than to fight against the current.

I looked at her a moment, awakened by her insight. It actually is much easier to float downstream. And that brings me back to going with the flow. Surrendering yourself to what is. To many, including myself, this surrendering might appear to be giving up. Really, you are giving up. Giving up control over those things you can't control.

I will always be indebted to Beth, for much more than just that simple phrase, but that phrase about floating downstream was so profound for me, that it changed my entire way of thinking. Going with the flow doesn't imply giving up. Rather it is an acknowledgment that we do not and can not control everything in our lives.

Much as we'd like to, there are certain things we can't change, no matter how hard we try to row the boat upstream. I have another friend, who reminds people not to complain about the weather. In fact, it is a pet peeve for her, when people begin griping about the weather. Why complain? It's not as if God would suddenly say, “Oh. You don't like the snow and the wind? So sorry. Let me change that to sunshine and 75 degrees.” Of course that would be nice, but it's not happening.

What does happen, when we get frustrated or angry or irritated by things that don't matter, and thing we can't change, is we spend our time frustrated, angry and irritated. Instead of giving your emotions over to irritation, accept that there are certain things over which we have no control. And that is okay.

When you feel yourself getting frustrated by a situation, or by the weather, or by an interruption, take a deep breath. Hold it for a moment. Now, as you breathe out, smile. That is all. Just smile. Breathing in, feel peaceful, breathing out, smile. With that simple exercise, you can release your irritation, and get back to enjoying the flow of life.

Simple breathing isn't the only thing you can do, to avoid irritation, but it helps. Another thing to do is notice your anger. As you feel that frustration building, take a moment and become aware of it. Step outside of your head and ask, “Why am I so irritated right now?”

What you may discover is that your irritation has nothing to do with the circumstances, and everything to do with you. Maybe you yelled at your kids again. And now you are mad at yourself for yelling, and you are mad at your spouse for not yelling, and suddenly people are upset all around you. Take a moment, go back to the beginning and examine what it is that made you so angry in the first place. Look at why you are angry. Is this something you can change, fix or control? No? Then let it go. And apologize to your family.

Most of what comes along each day to disrupt our peace is unavoidable. External factors will always be with us, and most of them will remain outside of our control. The important thing is to remember that you can see peace in any situation. You can take useful action, while still going with the flow.

Today is an opportunity for each one of us to see the beauty of the world around us. Take a moment, breathe in deeply, and for right now, go with the flow. You might discover the view is even better downstream.

Namaste my friends