Upon the death of a dear friend, I began thinking about the nature of life and death. Death brings my feet back to earth. My mom has often accused me of having my head in the clouds, and I readily admit it.

But losing my friend brought me crashing back down. I’ll admit that I’ve been a bit morbid over the past few weeks, since her passing, because it has come to my attention that we are all going to die. There is no other way out of here.

During the celebration of life for my friend, several people spoke of her generosity, her love of animals, her quirky nature. Many kind things were spoken then, and I thought what a beautiful tribute.

But wouldn’t it be better if we could share those kind thoughts with our friends before they die? Wouldn’t it be better to tell our loved ones how much we appreciate them, while they are still living?

Kind words are like a soothing balm to the soul. No matter what a person is going through, the kind words of friends and loved ones can calm the fires of rage, anger, or fear.

So why wait? I have said, on numerous occasions, that I plan to live to 111. I realize that by then, many of my friends and family will likely be gone. They will have gone on before me, to whatever awaits our physical death.

By then, I wonder who will eulogize me. I wonder who will be present to remember the remarkable life of an old woman, who outlived those who could speak of her life. So, the way I see it, I have two choices. I can live a remarkable life for the following 64 1/3 years, and make sure to make an impression on everyone I meet, hoping that someone will live long enough to remember me.

That is Plan B. That plan involves a lot of work, a lot of community involvement, and making friends of all ages. While that does seem like a fun way to progress through life, it also seems like a lot of work. Of course, I plan to do it anyway. Far be it from me to shy away from hard work and perseverance.

But, I have a better plan. My go to plan is to throw a big party. I’m not waiting until I’m dead to have a party. I’m going to have a party and invite all of my friends, and we will gather and talk about the beauty of life, the beauty of love and friendship. I plan to have that party when I am 55. I’m going to call it my “halfway there” party.

I plan to invite everyone I have ever known, to celebrate the gift of their presence in my life. I want to celebrate while I am still alive and cognizant. I want to thank people for their kindnesses and love, which have buoyed me through my life.

And my point, in all of this, is lets not wait. Let’s not wait to tell the people in our lives how much they mean, how much they bring, and how much they give us.

Tell them while there is still time. Once your friends are gone, it becomes too late to tell them how much you cherish them.

Of course, once people pass on, we can still speak of their goodness and kindness. It brings us together, it unites us when we face death, and it helps us heal from loss.

But so much better, is the idea of telling people of their impact and influence while it can help them.

It is never too late to tell someone how much they mean to you. If you don’t feel like saying it, then write them a note. You could even send an email. But don’t let the kind words go unspoken. Today is the perfect day to tell someone how much they mean.

Namaste, friends

I used to love Bugs Bunny. One of my favorites was Marvin the Martian. He had an Acme Ray Gun, with which he would vaporize Daffy Duck. A classic line from Marvin the Martian, “Resistance is futile, earthling.”

During Tuesday’s snowstorm, I thought of those words often. I dressed for spring on Tuesday, in sandals and a skirt. Wrong outfit, wrong day.

Of course, I was too busy to run home and change as the day grew colder and the drizzle turned to snow. I decided to accept the weather and be thankful for the moisture. Resistance to the weather, or to just about anything else, is futile.

It never ceases to amaze me, how people will complain about things that cannot be changed, such as the weather.

Complaining never changed anything for the better. In fact, it never changed anything at all. It is futile to resist those things we can’t change. I would include the weather in that category, as well as the past, other people, and dogs.

You can’t change anything by complaining, and resisting what you can’t change is a waste of time and energy.

I had a friend who used to say, “You can’t teach a pig to sing. You only waste your time and upset the pig.” Complaining about the weather, fretting over the past, or trying to change someone else’s behavior is a lot like trying to teach a pig to sing. You don’t achieve your goal, and you usually irritate somebody.

Why resist things? Life is too short to be frustrated and angry over things that can’t be changed. When I hear people griping about the weather, I wonder what they think it could possibly accomplish. Yes, it is snowing. Yes, it is cold. Yes, we all wish summer would hurry up and get here. Will complaining about the cold make the weather any warmer? Will Mother Nature suddenly say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize all of you Evanston residents were expecting sunshine and blue skies. Let me fix that.”

No. She will not bend to our will.

Rather than resist what is, I have found it is much easier to accept circumstances and make the best of them. Surrender to what is, rather than resist with futility.

Surrendering has such a negative connotation. It brings to mind weakness, giving up and giving in. In fact, I would argue that the opposite is true. It takes determination and strength to accept the things we cannot change. It takes character to submit our will to something greater. It takes humility and grace to be thankful for the snow, when you really wish to see the sun.

Most of our suffering has its roots in resistance. We suffer as we agonize over mistakes, misspoken words, and things we have done wrong. You can’t change the past. It has already happened. You can accept the past and move on, working to correct the mistakes of yesterday.

We suffer as we worry about what will happen tomorrow. We have no control over tomorrow. Of course, you can make plans, but as the good book says, we are not guaranteed tomorrow. It is foolish to say, “Tomorrow I will do this, and tomorrow I will do that.” We don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Worrying about it, resisting internally, will not change a moment. 

Busy as a Bee

Just a Thought

By Deborah Demander

Everyone I meet has a busy life. It seems like everyone is bustling around working, volunteering, and running non-stop.

Most days, I’m up by 5 a.m. and I don’t stop running until after 10 p.m. I’m not complaining, just noticing that everyone around me is as busy as I am.

At an early morning breakfast meeting, I asked a friend how he was doing.

“I’m really busy,” he replied. “Sometimes I wonder if every day is going to be a grind for the rest of my life.”

I agreed with him, but as I thought about it later, I realized that life doesn’t have to be a grind. We all have choices. We choose where to work, where to live, who to marry, what church to attend, what activities to be involved in.

Everything in your life is there as a result of choices you have made. If you don’t like where you are or what you’re doing, make a different decision. The effects of a decision stay in place until you make a different decision.

If you have made a decision and find that you don’t like where its taking you, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate.

I like having a busy life. I enjoy volunteering my time to make the community a better place, and I like my work, which generally casts me far and wide throughout the region. Last Wednesday found me driving to Kemmerer for an early morning meeting with the Governor,  attending the Kemmerer Rotary Club meeting, then driving like a crazy woman down the interstate in my Subaru (yes, the same pig-mobile) to attend another meeting with the Governor and Uinta County officials. Once that was finished, I took pictures of an event in town, then attended a parking meeting.

But I didn’t complain, because I like to be busy. Well. I may have complained a little the next morning when my alarm went off, but overall it was a fun day. If I didn’t like to be busy, I would do something else.

Many people, when I ask how they are doing, reply with a heavy sigh and a roll of the eyes, “I’m sooo busy.”

We are all busy. If you don’t like being busy, do something different. It is okay to say no to things you don’t want to do, or things that don’t match your priorities. We often loose sight of what is important in our lives, and fill our days with things we hate doing.

Stop. Don’t fill your life with things you don’t like. Life is too short to be dismal. Your day ought to be an outward expression of who you really are. If your activities don’t accurately reflect who you are, then do something different. Life is a series of choices. Choose who you will be and how you will represent yourself by the activities you participate in and the people you surround yourself with.

If those things aren’t an accurate representation, then change them.

I know. Change is hard. We all have decisions to make about the kind of life we want to have. You can decide today who you want to be, what you want to do, and what you want to have.

If you don’t want to be busy, then do something else. Say no. Stay home. Relax. There are lots of people out there willing to step in and fill the void. Although change is difficult, it’s not as hard as living a disingenuous life.

Any decision you made can be changed. You don’t have to do something drastic, such as quit your job, but you can look first for smaller changes that feel better, and more in line with your priorities. Sometimes a small shift is all it takes to feel better about life.

Deborah, in Hebrew, means bee. I like to stay busy, like the bees in the garden working. But bees still take time to smell the flowers.

When you are inundated with work and activity, don’t get frustrated. Enjoy. And if you don’t enjoy, then stop and do something else. And whatever you are doing, wherever you are, take a hint from the bees, and pause in your busyness to smell the flowers.

Namaste friends

I was having a philosophical discussion with a good friend recently. It was the kind of conversation that could go on for hours, with no real resolution.

He wondered aloud whether we are born with certain characteristics, and whether we should surrender to them or strive to overcome our weaknesses.

I tend to be the kind of person who makes the best of things, whether it’s a job, a relationship, or my personality quirks. I don’t like to focus on my weaknesses, or the weaknesses of others. I try to encourage people to excel at what they are good at.

My friend argued that perhaps we should strive to be better at the things we aren’t good at, work harder at the things that don’t come naturally, and overcome our shortcomings.

While I do strive to improve on areas in my life that could use some work, I really believe we are all blessed with different gifts, talents, and abilities. I like to run, but I’m not very fast, so I’m not going to kill myself trying to be an Olympian. I do try to overcome my innate desire to curl up with a book by interspersing small bursts of activity into my reading time. I’m not much of a cleaner, so I exert great effort in maintaining a presentable abode. But I love to work in my garden and I could do it for hours.

This is the reason fish don’t fly.

We all have things we are good at. Fish are good at swimming. Flying? Not so much. If fish worked hard all day to fly, they would end up exhausted and frustrated. A few might get airborne, but they would be the exception rather than the rule.

We are like fish, trying to fly. We exhaust ourselves trying to force ourselves to complete tasks we hate because we think we should. Rather than try to force yourself to do something you aren’t good at, embrace those talents and gifts you have, and practice them with wild abandon. Birds fly! They love it. They soar high in the air, letting the wind carry them hither and yon. Birds don’t worry about the fish. They don’t worry about swimming, unless they want to. They execute their flight with vigor and enthusiasm. So too, we ought embrace our gifts. Rather than straining and struggling to do things that don’t suit you, discover those things that bring you joy and fulfillment. Do those things. We are here for such a short time. What is the point is trudging through life, dreading the morning. We could dance and sing our way through each day, energized by the things we love.

Of course, the house must still be cleaned. And I will clean it. But I will not let that ruin my day. I will clean it to suit myself, and then I will play in the garden. I will read and write, and sing. Those are the things that make me happy. Dishes must be done, but I don’t have to spend my life washing them. Clothes must be folded. Books must be balanced. The mundane tasks wait for attention. But what I find mundane, others derive great pleasure from doing. Some people clean houses because they like it. For all the tasks, there are people well suited to them, who enjoy the work they do.

Today, I encourage each one of you to find those things that make your heart sing. Look for the things that bring you joy and leave you feeling energized, rather than drained. If you can’t do it for a job, then do it for a moment. Our lives mustn’t be consumed by drudgery. There is fun to be had, if you know where to look.

Fish don’t fly, because their fun is in the water. Discover where your hope lies, then do things to bring you a step closer to that today. A small step, followed by another and another will lead you to the path of your greatest joy and heart’s desire.

You are a bird, so fly high!

Namaste, friends.

I often wonder, what difference does it all make anyway? What difference if we go to work, if we raise our kids right, or go to church? What’s the difference if we are nice, mean, angry or kind? Does it even matter? Does anyone even notice?

Actually, your life makes a huge difference to the people around you.

Each one of us has the power to change the world, even if it’s just our own small corner. To change the world takes only small acts of a large number of people. It is possible to make a difference wherever you find yourself. You can leave your corner of the world better than you found it, and in that way, you make a difference.

Begin by making a positive change in yourself. It doesn’t have to be huge. Just a small positive change will have a ripple effect as it moves outward to those around you. You can decide to eat a healthy breakfast, or to drink one less cup of coffee, or walk an extra lap around the block. Positive change doesn’t have to be huge.

Another way to have a positive impact on those around you is to come from a place of love. When you are tempted to be judgmental, angry or harsh, take just a moment and reflect on the person before you. They are probably doing the best they can, at this moment in their life, just as you are. Take a deep breath and accept that whatever they have said or done has nothing to do with you, and is simply a reflection of where they are. Without saying anything, you can mentally extend feelings of kindness, forgiveness, and acceptance. While you don’t have to like everyone you meet, you can still be kind and accepting of who they really are. In that small way, you will make a difference to them.

Kindness goes a long way toward making a difference and changing the world. If you start with being kind to yourself, the ripple effect will again move outward, affecting those around you. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Simply do your best, and move forward. There is no need to berate or condemn yourself. Be kind and keep moving on.

Another way to make a difference in the world is to just show up. Be where you are. You might not like the place you find yourself, but if you show up to your day with a commitment to doing your best and extending kindness, you can change your world.

Show up every day. Do your best. Eventually you will find that you are changing not only yourself, but those around you as well. Show up and show those around you how much you care about them and about their lives. People want to be noticed. They want a chance to tell you about themselves. Just show up. Sometimes you don’t have to do anything more.

You are making a difference today to every person you meet. Show up and do your best. Extend kindness and forgiveness. Even if no one ever notices, your own life will be greatly enriched. And don’t forget to smile.

Namaste, friends

Most of us will never do great things. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean you aren’t great. You are. I appreciate you. What I mean to say is that most of us will never do that one great thing.

Unfortunately, we put off living, because of that one elusive great thing. Can’t cure cancer? Well, I guess I won’t be a doctor then. Can’t change lives? Then forget teaching. If I can’t get straight A’s, then I might as well not bother with college. I suppose you get the gist. It seems easier to give up, than to be less than great. The perfectionist tendency has led to the abrupt ending of a lot of small things.

Although you are capable of great things, real life is lived amid the small things, and it is those things we can do well.

As we look at our lives, it can become discouraging and disheartening to realize that great things will eternally elude us. What I have discovered, and want to pass on to you, is that each and every one of us can do small things with great love.

Now, don’t roll your eyes. It’s true. Small things surround us on a daily basis. Our lives are defined by the small things we do each day. When you add love to those small things, they become, dare I say, great. Each act can be infused with a great deal of kindness and love. Every act done with intention becomes great in itself.

You don’t have to change the world. It is enough to change where you are. Serve those around you with kindness. Extend forgiveness instead of harshness. Small things done with kindness make a difference in every life.

I’ll share a recent experience to illustrate the power of intention, or the lack thereof.

A friend and I went to lunch together. As we entered the establishment, the person behind the counter was shouting to or at a person in the back.

She didn’t acknowledge us or greet us. She continued her loud, angry conversation and headed toward the back.

When she finally came out, she demanded to know what we wanted. I sheepishly placed my order, feeling like an intruder into a private conversation. The air was alive with their negative energy.

As we found our seats, I said, “I hope that angry girl isn’t making our food.”  Alas and alack. It was meant to be. The angry energy that permeated the restaurant found its way into my lunch, as the girl threw the ingredients together.

I always enjoy the food I eat at this particular restaurant. It is usually pretty tasty. This time, however, I had the worst meal I have ever eaten there. It was bland and tasteless. Although I order the same thing every time I go there, this time was different. It tasted different. And it sat in my stomach all day, a constant reminder of someone else’s anger.

A study in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science suggests that physical events are influenced by the intentions of those involved.

When you set about your daily tasks, filling yourself with good intentions, or good energy will not only benefit you, but it will also benefit those you serve.

Mother Teresa said, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”

The small things you accomplish with great love reflect in your life to magnify and lighten it. Life is lived in the small moments, done with love.

Namaste, friends

I have always expressed a fondness for the quiet spaces between the notes. The interlude. Not only in music, but also in life the calm between moments of frenzied activity offers a chance to breathe and take in the beauty of life.

And now, I am enjoying an interlude of my own. Some of you may have noticed that I am no longer with Evanston’s radio station, Cook Brother’s Broadcasting. And some of you may have never noticed that I left the Uinta County Herald. Let me bring you up to date, and share a little of what’s happening in my life.

I enjoyed working at the Herald for nearly two years. Then, an exciting opportunity opened up for me at K-9 and KADQ radio stations. While working at the newspaper offered me a chance to hone my writing skills, and meet many wonderful community members, the radio station offered a chance to develop some different skill sets. Both environments were fun, challenging, and not without their own different stresses.

I have always been a writer. From my youngest days as a middle school student, the burning desire to create with the written word has always been with me. About ten years ago, I felt inspired to write a book about marriage. The actual writing of the book took only about a month of concerted effort. And then, like many other well-intentioned ideas, it sat on the wayside while life interrupted my plans.

Following many life changes, including moving to Evanston and working at the aforementioned jobs, I felt the time had come for me to complete that long ago abandoned project. I decided at the end of April that to really finish my book and get started on other books that have been churning in my head, I would need to focus my attention and intention on that goal.

After leaving the radio station at the end of April, I completed the long-delayed process of writing my first book. On May 10, 2013, The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex was published on Amazon.

Don’t get too bent out of shape now. It is a book about marriage, with a catchy title. Books live and die by their covers and by their titles. The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex is not of the 50 Shades of Gray genre of books. Rather, it is designed to improve your marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.

In addition, I am currently working on two more non-fiction books, The Married Girls Guide to Daily Devotion, and The Married Girls Guide to Practical Spirituality. I anticipate both of those books will be available by the end of the year. I am also writing a fictitious work, which seems to grow by the day and take on a life of its own.

While I’m not on the radio, nor in the newspaper, you can still find my work in the Market Mailer, on my website, deborahdemander.com, and of course on Amazon.

In addition, I offer motivational seminars, not only on my book, but on a variety of other topics.

I look forward to seeing or hearing from you.

Namaste Friends.

Some days, it’s hard to keep focused. While at work, the Internet is a veritable smorgasbord of fascinating information. Some of it is even useful. At home, the multi-tasking gene kicks into high gear as homework jostles with housework, vying for attention.

 I read a book recently that suggested that the answer to interruptions in our tightly scheduled days might be a godsend. A godsend is defined as a very helpful or useful person or event. And I am here to agree that interruptions can be divinely inspired.

It’s all a matter of perspective. When facing a tight deadline, frustration mounts as the minutes tick by. Each moment is precious when you are hard pressed for time, and those ill timed phone calls, emails, and even visitors into your life can be time consuming and task-disorienting. 

It doesn’t take much to get me off task: a talky news story about a celebrity pregnancy; an email from a good friend; Facebook. The list of distractions is lengthy and it takes a great deal of will power to get work done. Even as I write, my mind is dancing back and forth between writing, reading news stories, and hearing about the next Sunday Night Football opening number. And what has Tiger been up to these days?

The book I mentioned, before getting myself distracted, suggests that every interruption in your day be treated as a special message for you, directly from the Universe. When a friend called about having coffee this morning, my first thought was, “I don’t have time today. I have so much work to do.”

But I agreed to meet, thinking back to my book and divine appointments. Perhaps there was a reason to meet with this friend, other than coffee.

We shared coffee and conversation. And as we were leaving, he suggested taking our dogs for a walk. And I mentioned that one of our dogs had jumped out of the back of our truck nearly two weeks ago. Walking out of the coffee shop, he asked what kind of dog it was. 

“English Springer Spaniel.”

“I saw your dog! Sunday!”

I was shocked. “Two days ago Sunday, or ten days ago Sunday?”

 He said just two days ago he had seen the dog, near where we lost him. Charlie and I drove to the area, where we have searched in vain for hours, on foot and by car. We called and whistled. After a couple of hours, we decided to head back into town. 

And there, exhausted and disheartened stood Copper, by the side of the road. He was covered in mud and dust with little bits of blood mixed in, where he had gotten banged up. His snout was sore looking and raw, as if he had a run-in with an angry cactus. He just looked tired. Almost too tired to wag his stubby tail. He jumped into the car and howled his pleasure all the way home.

And I realized that meeting my friend was a divine appointment. God brings people into your life everyday. Sometimes they are strangers, with whom you exchange only a fleeting smile. Sometimes, the meeting involves the exchange of energy in some way. 

You have a choice with divine appointments. You can bury your head and refuse to learn the lessons people bring you. Or you can open your eyes, look around you, and embrace the divine appointments God has arranged for you today. 

Nothing is a waste of time, if you seek purpose. Everyone person you meet today has a gift or a lesson. Now, it is up to you to make the most of those encounters.

Namaste my friends.

Spring emerges slowly, as we awaken from our long winter to realize that grass is crunching underfoot, frozen by the night. Light emerges gradually, as the days grow longer by the minute, gradually warming until suddenly we realize that the snow is gone.

What is left is mud. And dirt. The in-between season. Between the harsh grip of winter, and air so cold it brings a cough, and the gentle cool mornings that encourage us to linger. Between those two exists the mud season. Crisp, cold mornings that promise a gradual warming. Mud begins as frozen, inconsequential, until it becomes pliable with the warmth of the sun. And as it thaws, it sticks and stains and follows us into our homes and into our cars and sticks to our dogs as we take them out to run in the newly emergent landscape.

The between season is a time of great hope. I hope spring comes quickly. I hope my bulbs will bud. I hope it gets warmer. We know the spring is coming, during mud season, but we wish away what is, in hopes of something better to come.

Often in our lives, we miss enjoying where we are, in hopes of something better. We put off enjoyment of a middle school concert by hoping that they will play better in high school. We wish our kids would hurry up and get to the next stage. We put off enjoying the present moment, in hopes of better things to come.

Today, I'd like to encourage you that today is the perfect day to enjoy being exactly where you are. You don't have to wait until you get married. You don't have to wait until you get your degree. You don't have to wait until the kids grow up, or you get a better job, or you lose ten pounds. You can be happy now, even in mud season.

All winter long, people complain, wishing away the beauty of a cold, crisp morning when the cold crystallizes the air, turning it into a million diamonds. Then, when the cold gives in and the sun takes over, they miss the beauty of mud season, wishing instead that summer would get here already. And when oppressive heat beats down on dry fields, do people stop to luxuriate in the warmth? No. They wish it would be fall, so the air would cool down.

There's an often told story of wealthy Persian named Al Hafed. He owned a very large farm with orchards, grain fields, and gardens. He was content and wealthy. One day Al Hafed heard about diamonds, and how much they are worth, and he went to bed that night a much poorer man, because he had grown discontent with what he had. He wanted a mine of diamonds. He lay awake all night, mourning the fact that he did not have diamonds.

By morning, Al Hafed made a decision. He sold his property, his acres of beautifully cultivated land and traveled the world in search of the elusive mine of diamonds. He spent his fortune, searching endlessly, for diamonds. Al Hafed spent years, and all his wealth, searching in vain for the riches he desired, until at last, impoverished he cast himself into the sea, and was never seen again.

The story does not end there, however. The man who purchased Al Hafed's property was quite content with the gardens, the orchards and the fields. He loved the property, and cared for it. And one day, in a stream on the property, he saw a glimmer. Upon inspecting the glimmer, this already content man discovered a large diamond. And as he searched, he discovered more diamonds. One of the largest diamond mines ever uncovered emerged from that property, the diamond mines of Golconda.

The story has a moral, of course, as all good stories do.

Do not waste your life, discontent, searching endlessly for riches. Look instead into your own backyard. When you look with new eyes, upon your family, your home, your job, your friends, your town, you will discover that you too, possess acres of diamonds.

No. We will not all be wealthy. We will not all discover literal diamonds. But the true moral is that when we are content, then we are truly rich. We all have a choice every day, to celebrate the diamonds in our lives, no matter how rough, or to search in vain for treasure outside.

I urge you my friends, to appreciate the gifts you have been granted. In the process, you will discover so much more.

Namaste friends