It’s easy to be optimistic when life runs smoothly.  When things flow, everything seems to work together. Stressors come along, but you handle them calmly. Problems arise, but you work through them. Conflicts seem to dissipate fairly, when life is in the flow.

But what about when everything falls apart? How do you handle your life then? The philosophical answer is that you remain in the moment, unperturbed. You remember to breathe deeply and calmly. You focus on only the things you can change in the moment. The spiritual answer: you ask God for strength. You focus on God as the source of your comfort, and of all things in your life. On a physical level, when things around you fall apart, you maintain your disciplined schedule of rising early, studying and meditating, exercising, strict eating. You avoid those foods that are known to increase your anxiety, and you eschew alcohol.

All of those answers exist in an ideal world. But what about in real life, when things fall apart? What about when you can’t make it through the day without a glass of wine or two, and before bedtime you realize the bottle is empty again? What about when you lose your job? Even though it was a stressful job that didn’t pay nearly enough, and you never felt acknowledged for your work, it was still a job. It still gave some purpose to your day.  What about when someone you love leaves you? Although you fought a lot, and were getting tired of them anyway, you still miss the idea of being in a relationship.

When things fall apart in real life, what does a normal person do? We aren’t all spiritual gurus or disciplined yogis, or fit athletes, able to roll with the punches, no matter the circumstance. In real life, real people handle stress in a myriad of ways. When life caves in all around you, there are some things you can do, that don’t require you to be enormously disciplined, that will help shore up the walls of your sanity.

When things fall apart, the first step is to ask for help. You don’t have to ask anyone specifically. The Universe will hear your request, whether it is out loud or just in your heart. Ask for help and believe that it is on its way. When you ask the universe for help, remember to release the form it takes. When help comes your way, be sure to take advantage of it, rather than reject it based on looks alone. Just because your help doesn’t come packaged the way you’d expected, don’t dismiss it out of hand.

After asking for help, it is important to remember to breath. Often when you are in the midst of mind numbing crisis, one of the things you forget to do is breathe. Of course, you are breathing. It’s an automatic function. But during crisis or panic mode, the breathing often becomes rapid and shallow. You forget to breathe deeply, and you neglect a full exhale. Breathing properly is an extremely important part of healing. Breathe in deeply, fully oxygenating your blood, filling your lungs to capacity. Hold it for a moment, and then breathe out fully, cleansing your lungs and your body of stale air. A few deep breaths will help clear and calm your mind, and will release some of the stress you’ve been carrying.

The main thing to keep in mind when things fall apart is this: everything always changes. Regardless of the situation you are in now, this too shall pass. Everything is in a constant state of change. The good times will pass into hard times. The hard times will flow into good times. The cycle will continue throughout your life. So even when things fall apart, the best thing you can do for yourself is to realize that things will come together, and they will fall apart again.

I have always expressed a fondness for the quiet spaces between the notes. The interlude. Not only in music, but also in life the calm between moments of frenzied activity offers a chance to breathe and take in the beauty of life.

And now, I am enjoying an interlude of my own. Some of you may have noticed that I am no longer with Evanston’s radio station, Cook Brother’s Broadcasting. And some of you may have never noticed that I left the Uinta County Herald. Let me bring you up to date, and share a little of what’s happening in my life.

I enjoyed working at the Herald for nearly two years. Then, an exciting opportunity opened up for me at K-9 and KADQ radio stations. While working at the newspaper offered me a chance to hone my writing skills, and meet many wonderful community members, the radio station offered a chance to develop some different skill sets. Both environments were fun, challenging, and not without their own different stresses.

I have always been a writer. From my youngest days as a middle school student, the burning desire to create with the written word has always been with me. About ten years ago, I felt inspired to write a book about marriage. The actual writing of the book took only about a month of concerted effort. And then, like many other well-intentioned ideas, it sat on the wayside while life interrupted my plans.

Following many life changes, including moving to Evanston and working at the aforementioned jobs, I felt the time had come for me to complete that long ago abandoned project. I decided at the end of April that to really finish my book and get started on other books that have been churning in my head, I would need to focus my attention and intention on that goal.

After leaving the radio station at the end of April, I completed the long-delayed process of writing my first book. On May 10, 2013, The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex was published on Amazon.

Don’t get too bent out of shape now. It is a book about marriage, with a catchy title. Books live and die by their covers and by their titles. The Married Girls Guide to Great Sex is not of the 50 Shades of Gray genre of books. Rather, it is designed to improve your marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.

In addition, I am currently working on two more non-fiction books, The Married Girls Guide to Daily Devotion, and The Married Girls Guide to Practical Spirituality. I anticipate both of those books will be available by the end of the year. I am also writing a fictitious work, which seems to grow by the day and take on a life of its own.

While I’m not on the radio, nor in the newspaper, you can still find my work in the Market Mailer, on my website, deborahdemander.com, and of course on Amazon.

In addition, I offer motivational seminars, not only on my book, but on a variety of other topics.

I look forward to seeing or hearing from you.

Namaste Friends.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned in life is to go with the flow. I know it sounds like a hippy mantra, something that a peacenik might mumble under his breath, as he blows a gray/blue stream of smoke from chapped lips, while raising a weathered hand in a peace sign. “Hey man, go with the flow.”

My lesson of learning to go with the flow began when I was a bit younger and staunchly rigid in my thinking. There were no hippy days for my, but there was plenty of time to learn lessons. I'll admit to being something of a control freak. It could even be a mild case of OCD, as some of my children suggest. Things like arranging my M&M's by color before eating them. And hanging my shirts by color, then by sleeve length in my closet. It's not so much that I'm controlling. I just like things to be orderly.

During a time in my life, I had a mentor whose job was to teach me to be a self-sufficient parent, who could support six children by myself. And she knew my story, my insecurities, my challenges, all the intimate details of life that I'm not comfortable sharing with just anyone. And then she retired. Before I was anywhere near self-sufficient. And the project introduced me to my new mentor, Beth Rosen. A beautiful, young woman shining with energy. She literally glowed like an angel. I took an immediate disliking to her. How could such a young, beautiful creature possibly offer any insight into my complex life, I wondered. Well, over the course of a couple of years, I learned how wrong I was.

Not only was Beth beautiful, and insightful, but she was very kind and patient, gently working with me, until I began to trust her. And one day, she quoted from a book she was reading, as I was trying to figure out the course of my life. She told me that it is easier to float downstream than to fight against the current.

I looked at her a moment, awakened by her insight. It actually is much easier to float downstream. And that brings me back to going with the flow. Surrendering yourself to what is. To many, including myself, this surrendering might appear to be giving up. Really, you are giving up. Giving up control over those things you can't control.

I will always be indebted to Beth, for much more than just that simple phrase, but that phrase about floating downstream was so profound for me, that it changed my entire way of thinking. Going with the flow doesn't imply giving up. Rather it is an acknowledgment that we do not and can not control everything in our lives.

Much as we'd like to, there are certain things we can't change, no matter how hard we try to row the boat upstream. I have another friend, who reminds people not to complain about the weather. In fact, it is a pet peeve for her, when people begin griping about the weather. Why complain? It's not as if God would suddenly say, “Oh. You don't like the snow and the wind? So sorry. Let me change that to sunshine and 75 degrees.” Of course that would be nice, but it's not happening.

What does happen, when we get frustrated or angry or irritated by things that don't matter, and thing we can't change, is we spend our time frustrated, angry and irritated. Instead of giving your emotions over to irritation, accept that there are certain things over which we have no control. And that is okay.

When you feel yourself getting frustrated by a situation, or by the weather, or by an interruption, take a deep breath. Hold it for a moment. Now, as you breathe out, smile. That is all. Just smile. Breathing in, feel peaceful, breathing out, smile. With that simple exercise, you can release your irritation, and get back to enjoying the flow of life.

Simple breathing isn't the only thing you can do, to avoid irritation, but it helps. Another thing to do is notice your anger. As you feel that frustration building, take a moment and become aware of it. Step outside of your head and ask, “Why am I so irritated right now?”

What you may discover is that your irritation has nothing to do with the circumstances, and everything to do with you. Maybe you yelled at your kids again. And now you are mad at yourself for yelling, and you are mad at your spouse for not yelling, and suddenly people are upset all around you. Take a moment, go back to the beginning and examine what it is that made you so angry in the first place. Look at why you are angry. Is this something you can change, fix or control? No? Then let it go. And apologize to your family.

Most of what comes along each day to disrupt our peace is unavoidable. External factors will always be with us, and most of them will remain outside of our control. The important thing is to remember that you can see peace in any situation. You can take useful action, while still going with the flow.

Today is an opportunity for each one of us to see the beauty of the world around us. Take a moment, breathe in deeply, and for right now, go with the flow. You might discover the view is even better downstream.

Namaste my friends