Have you ever gotten a rude email from a coworker, a snotty text from a teenager, or read an aggravating post on Facebook? Welcome to the information superhighway. We are bombarded daily with messages from so many different directions, it’s hard to know which way is up.

I have learned the hard way, that the way to deal with messages that make me mad, whether they are from my children, coworkers, friends or acquaintances, is to not hit send.

When I receive a message that rubs me the wrong way, my initial response is usually disbelief. “What?” I think. “How could they say such a thing to me, or about me? I’ve never done anything wrong! I am an innocent bystander.”

My disbelief usually gives way quickly to righteous indignation. “I’m going to set them straight. They obviously don’t know what they are talking about,” I think as my fingers quickly type out a biting response.

Those responses, fired off in the heat of passion, rarely produce the desired result. What I want is a broken and contrite teenager. What I get is a back and forth of nasty that leaves me feeling drained, defeated and dirty.

Fortunately, with eight kids, I get lots of practice. And I have learned that, while a witty and hard-hitting retort may satisfy my need to be right, it is usually not in my best interest. Wait. I exaggerate. It is never in my best interest to cut people to the quick.

I work with words. I love words. I pride myself on being able to eviscerate a person with just a few quick key-strokes. The written word is a powerful tool. Much like our spoken words, what we say has the power to lift someone up, or tear them down. When attacked, I often choose to come back with greater force, to teach them a much-needed lesson.

There is a better way. When you see something that hurts you, or is untrue about you, or just makes you mad, you can write the meanest response you like. The secret is to not hit send.

Once you have written your rebuttal, don’t hit send. Wait a while. Reread it. Consider if this is truly how you want to present yourself.

Who we are is a result of what we think, say and do. The things we do and say are evident to everyone around us. As a mom, as a friend, and as a person, I want to be kind, gentle and loving to those around me. Even when I get mad, or feel unjustly attacked, my response should reflect who I want to be. Each moment is an opportunity to decide again, who you want to be.

Go ahead and write that scathing response. Even better than typing it, write it by hand on a piece of paper. You can really let them have it on paper. Once you have written your meanest, self-justifying letter, read it again. Consider for a moment that what the other person said or wrote really had nothing to do with you. Although they sent that text or email, or made that comment, it is really a reflection of who they are, and where they were at that moment. It has nothing to do with you. Really.

Now that you’ve reread your response, consider if this is really who you are. Is this how you want that person to perceive you? If you are on social media, is this how you want everyone else to perceive you? Do you really want your kids, your coworkers and your friends to feel the full brunt of your ire?

Now is the time to hit delete. You’ve written your response, vented your anger, and had your say. Now, don’t hit send. Let it sit awhile. Chances are, when you come back around to your response in a few minutes, or an hour, or a day, you will feel differently.

I rarely regret holding my tongue. I always regret the unkind words I have spoken. The sharp sword of my words brings regret and sadness and the satisfaction I long for is elusive.

A kind word is never wasted or regretted. If you are ever in doubt, don’t hit send.

Namaste friends

The New Year is upon us, replete with promises that we will try harder, do better, be more this and less that. How often do we each face the fresh new calendar and promise ourselves that this year will be different?

I know I’ve made my share of resolutions in the past. I usually resolve to lose weight, to get up earlier, to be nicer, to stop swearing, save more money, give more to others…

The list goes on and on. The first week of the New Year usually finds me sleep deprived and hungry, swearing like a sailor and exhausted from the effort of trying to remember everything that I promised myself I would do.

This year, however, will be different.

I am not resolving to be more or less of anything for the entire year. Instead, I am choosing in each moment to be the person that I want to be. As I walk through my day, I will examine my thoughts, words and actions and I will ask myself, “Is this who I want to be?”

If the answer is no, then I hope to stop midstream and change course. It is never too late to change, and now is the perfect moment to be exactly what you’d like to be.

This, of course, is easier said than done. This weekend, I got a trial run when I drove the kids to Park City for a movie and some shopping. First of all, there were about a million people in Park City for Olympic trials. But, I wasn’t going to let a little California traffic ruin my Zen mood. I don’t know how they learn to drive in California, but after being cut off half a dozen times, I silently blessed each driver, hoping their day was brighter after nearly killing me.

Then, at the movie theater, the guy selling tickets said, “There is no showing of  “The Hobbit” at 1 p.m. The internet was wrong.”

Fortunately, I didn’t have to open up a can of crazy on him, because the people in line ahead of me did. I stood by serenely, watching the tourists go bananas. Coincidentally, they decided to show “The Hobbit” at 1 p.m.

I wasn’t fazed when I chose the slowest popcorn line, nor was I perturbed when the clerk dropped my giant cup of diet coke on the floor. When the popcorn burned, because the kid was cleaning up the diet coke, the guy behind me muttered, “I’m not eating burned popcorn.”

I peacefully replied, “I like burned popcorn.”

Surprised he said, “Really? You like that?”

“No”, I answered from my happy place, “I just tell myself I do, so I won’t hate it.”

He looked at me as though I were some crazy hippy chick. As if.

All was well until the car ride home. And then, after an hour in the car, two hours in the theater, and a ride back to Wyoming, my kids opened up a can of crazy on me. They started poking, prodding, arguing, whining, and making the trip as miserable as possible.

And the drivers tailgating the entire way did not help my irritation.

I tried talking nicely. I tried distracting them with conversation.

Me: “Wasn’t that a great movie?”

Gunnar (with his headphones turned up all the way): “WHAT?!”

Lexi (jabbing him in the ribs): “Be in the present Gunnar. Mom isn’t going to keep repeating herself.”

Gunnar (louder): “WHAT??!!”

Lexi (yelling): “I SAID, BE IN THE PRESENT. We aren’t going to keep going to the past just because you aren’t listening.”

Gunnar: “WHAT?”

And so it continued for an hour. By the time we reached Evanston, my Zen was gone, my irritation had peaked and my jaw was clenched tight with the effort of not screaming like an insane woman.

Life can be trying. Most days, especially during Christmas vacation, we are challenged from all sides.

We don’t have to resolve to be better parents, to stop yelling, or even to lose weight. We don’t have to commit for a whole year. It just takes a decision in the moment to have things be different. And in some moments, that might take a little longer.

The good news is we always get a chance to start again. We don’t have to wait for a new year, a new week or a new day. We can start today, being the person we want to be.

So, when the kids are yelling, the dogs are barking and the fudge is calling your name, take just a moment to breathe deeply. Pause. Wait. And then be the person you really want to be.

Happy New Year and Namaste, Friends

One of the biggest challenges in my life is my mouth. I know, it's hard to believe, but it's true. My report cards even from the first grade usually said the same thing: too talkative, chatters too much, talks in class, or any of a thousand variations on that theme.


I never thought I was talking too much. I always thought it was just the right amount. I wasn't trying to be disruptive. Well, I take that back. Sometimes I was deliberately being disruptive, but I promise, usually I just had something really important that couldn't wait.

Those of you who know me, are glad to see that things haven't changed much since I was six. Honestly, I have been vexed with my mouth. I have tried, as I've gotten older, to tame that snake, but it is a difficult task. As I grew older, and hopefully a little wiser, I learned that perhaps I am not alone in my struggle.

The bible contains a wealth of information about controlling your tongue, and even contemporary writers have spoken to the wisdom of guarding your mouth. Life and death are at our own command, with just the small tool or our mouth.

How many times have you spoken a harsh word or an unkind word to someone who didn't deserve it? Do you remember their surprised or stunned look, wondering how you could say such a thing? I have often wondered how I could say such things.

Many of us try to watch what we eat, controlling what goes into our mouth. It's not what goes into your mouth that show's who you are, and what control you have, it's what comes out of a man's mouth that reflects his heart. It is hard to hide who you are when you begin to speak.

If you speak well of others, or ill of them, people will know you by your word. I have given thought about how I'd like to be known among my friends. I would like to be kind, and so I practice kindness. I would like to be patient and forgiving. And I would like to be thought of as someone who never spoke poorly.

Now. To practice that. Once the desire is in your heart you can begin to create that reality. The good news for each of us is that we have control. We have control over everything that goes into our own mouth, and we have control over everything that comes out of our mouth.

While this is a daunting realization, it is also freeing. I am free to sit quietly and take in what is happening. My mouth does not control my brain, and just because I think of the perfect witty comment, sarcastic comeback, or stinging insult, I am in control. I can choose quiet.

A lot of you are probably laughing, doubting that I could really exercise such restraint. Shakespeare wrote in Henry IV that discretion is the better part of valor. It is sometimes more noble to be cautious and reserved than to jump in with every thought that enters your head. I'm really saying this to myself. To convince myself that it is true, to reinforce for myself that I can control my tongue, and that it is a good thing.

I have often regretted a harsh or unkind word, but I have never, ever regretted saying something kind to someone, even someone who didn't deserve it. For many years, when I home schooled my children, we started the day with a memory verse. Time and again, I used a verse from the book of Proverbs, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but unkind words stir up anger.” My children, and more importantly, I learned that using unkind, harsh words served only to make an argument worse, while answering softly could diffuse an argument.

I am learning that how I speak is just important as how much. Often we get caught up in negative speaking about ourselves, our circumstances, or other people. Many parents over the years have admonished their children, “If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.”

There is a lot of merit to that statement. When we speak unkindly about ourselves, we begin to believe what we are saying. And when we speak unkindly about other people, others believe that is how we talk about everyone, even them.

By speaking a positive message we fill our lives with hope, and possibility. When we focus on the negative, about our job, or family, our life, we fill our world with unhappy, unsatisfied, unfilled energy. We are left always wanting more. Always seeking, searching and never content.

Speaking well about your own life will fill you with a sense of well being and joy. When you change your speaking from, “I hate this..” or “This make me so angry...” to “I am so thankful that....” you shift your entire world.

Changing the way you speak regarding your life, your health, your job, your relationships, your kids... that is the first step toward improving those things, and appreciating them for how great they really are.

We don't have to change everything. We just have to change one thing. Today, my friends, I challenge you to remove negative speaking from yourself. If someone is gossiping, you could sit quietly when they are finished, or say “Let's talk about something else.” If you hear yourself complaining about work, stop. Stop talking. 

And then, after the silence is settled, speak your gratitude to the universe. I am so thankful.

Namaste my friends